Everyday is a struggle. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever overcome this. This disease they've labeled me with. This disorder that runs and sometimes ruins my life. Everyday I try to prove myself. Try to prove I'm better, stronger. Somedays I succeed valiantly. Others, it's almost like I've torn down all the progress from the past. Those days are hard. Not just hard, but humiliating. Having him see me falter and fall is embarrassing. I know that no matter my flaws, this man will love me for all of me, and I love that about him. But some days I think he treats is like a joke. Sometimes, I just don't know.
     Sometimes, most times, I ask for too much. Sometimes I think a broken girl needs more than the rest. I require more than the average female, especially in a relationship. I can't necessarily tell if it is because of my disorder, or if it's just some selfish habit. Certain days, when my needs aren't met, I get drastic. I get mad. I get sad. I get frustrated. When I get like this, I swing, a term I've used to describe my mood swings that I get from being bipolar. Sometimes I just want to run away, other times I want to hurt myself. My mind always becomes self destructive in some form, though. Like now. My whole life I've had multiple resources to help me cope with my fluctuating emotions. I've always had my family, a dog, a town with creative outlets, plenty of friends, and more to help me get through a bad swing, or even a bad depressive period. I was never really fully alone, unless I chose to be. But here, my life is different. My life is beautiful, sure, but I almost have none of these resources. I live in a town with 6,000 people, and I swear half of those are up in the rich, gates communities. I have no friends closer than an hour (which may not seem like a big deal, unless you don't have any money, or a car.) I have no job, nothing to occupy my time. My boyfriend works the night shifts. 10 hour shifts 3 days in a row. This last weekend he worked a 15 hour one, and I was just frustrated with not seeing him. He promised me all weekend that after the shift, today, Monday, would be all me and him. It was a comforting thought for someone who was getting lonely and tired of being alone. Being alone is bad for someone like me. My swings tend to be more violent if I am alone. But I've been busting my ass to get through them healthily, which means no self destructive behavior. I've been doing well, too. Well I find out at 2 am that he made plans to go shooting with a co-worker at two oclock. It's now 6:49 and he's still out shooting. Or at least I think he is, I wouldn't know, I'm not home. That's what I resorted to today, during my swing. I left the apartment. Sometimes I can't tell if I NEED to, or if I want him to show me that he cares. He'll probably get mad when he opens the door and I'm no where to be found. But I texted him and warned him, and he said nothing. That's when I think he thinks my disorder is a joke. Sure, when I swing and I get suicidal I can get a little too pathetic and nervous to do something SUPER lethal to myself, but I'm not a wimp, and this isn't a joke to me. So how am I technically practicing self destructive behaviors tonight? I took the bus up to Beaver Creek Resorts, and I am sitting outside in the freezing cold (which by the way is making it almost impossible to type sad face) and am blogging. He said he'd be home at seven, even though I asked him to be home by six, and honestly? I don't think he will even be home at seven. This boy does NOT care about what I say sometimes. Or at least that's what I think when I'm swinging. You know what I need to do? It's almost like I have an alter-ego when I swing. Perhaps, I should create a name for this alter-ego. Hmmm. Dexx? I only say that because I just watched Something Borrowed and the main male character, Dexter, was called Dex for short. And adding an extra x makes it sound very feminine, ha. 
     He should technically be home at any time now. I wonder what he will think. Is it selfish of me? To "run away" and have part of my reasoning be because I want to see what his reaction will be? Maybe I am angry. I am angry that he went shooting for 4 hours when I have NOTHING to do, and he promised me today would be all me and him. Maybe I feel like he's sick of me but too sweet to say so, and I just want him to worry over me and show me he loves me. Why do I think this way? :/ Sometimes, I don't even understand my thought process. 
     Is this self destructive enough? Spending 30-45 minutes outside in the freezing cold? I am freezing. And I have my hands out to type, so I'm ultra cold. This blog post is meant for me to vent, and it's helping me do just that, however, it would be a lot less painful in the comfort of my couch and blankets. :/
     7 pm sharp. Wondering why he hasn't even texted me "on my way" yet, he's 30 minutes away. Or perhaps his phone has died. Hmmm. That would really suck? 7:01. And definitely not home. This kid can't be punctual. EVER. It's impossible. My plan was to type this until he called or texted or something...but...he hasn't yet. And I'm starting to get super ass cold, and wanting to sleep. I'm also running out of words :(

Well my dears. Bottom line. Being bipolar sucks, and frankly I'm starting to run out of energy to cope with it. Today really didn't help. Am I selfish for this?? :(

Until next time

Always,
Angie.

Tonight was my last high school band concert of all time! We played at the caverns. We played a Star Wars medley, a Led Zepplin medley, a Disco medley, and Fidelity March. It was a great last concert. I had a great time. I went up earlier today with a day pass. Trevor and I rode the alpine coaster and went on all three 4D theater film rides. It was pretty fun but I got a heat headache and then came back down and then came back up later. 

Hello people! Long time no blog! I guess I just kind of forgot to blog. You want to know something weird, and kind of embarrassing? Whenever I blog, I think of this one scene in this one Hilary Duff movie. Basically every time. It's from "The Perfect Man" when she is blogging on her old school mac about what is is like to move all the time, or as she calls her blog "Life of a Teenage Gypsy." I don't know why, but I love what it feels like to type 20x more when it's blogging. Weird, huh? 

Today was the day! I made it. I graduated! Woo-hoo! :) Today was a pretty fun day. My sister unfortunately had to leave, but I went to two graduation parties, had some good family time, graduated, got straight A's, won a hairdryer, $6, and a cuisinart sandwich griller, saw my boyfriend, ate moes, and more. I'm really tired right now because it is 3:30 a.m. I just got home from Project Graduation, which was really fun. :D :D :D :D :D. I wish I had won the $500 grand prize, or a laptop. They didn't give away laptops. I could've won a bike. But I love my bike.
     Anyway, on to something more important. I can't believe I graduated. I've been with these kids since kindergarten ( a lot of them.) They're all I've ever known. I can't believe we are splitting up. I'm sad cause I was going to go to Michigan in the spring, but I can't now. :( Not till next fall or the fall after! D: sad day. I need to get out of my house. Okay, now I'm just ranting. I have my eyes closed. eBecause I'm tred. IO'm almost too tired to stand up here. I am so tired. NIght i lov eyou

What does that even mean? Lol. Sims. I, friends, am playing The Sims. I have The Sims 3, but I am playing the Sims complete collection: the old school ones. It's awesome. For some reason it is taking eons to get past the load page, and it was stuck on recomputing mammal matrix forever lol. That's not what this post will really be about, but I thought it was an eye catching name! :)
     You know what I have been thinking? I have been denying that my life is about to severely change. I love my life and my friends and almost everything just the way it is. I am scared for it to all change. However, I am excited. I think it is time for me to accept that I am graduating in two days, it's not this far off future thing anymore. It is here, it is now, and after it, everything is going to change severely. I am going to be working. I am going to college. Then, I am moving out of my house, out of my town, and out of my state. I will be in a different time zone. I will be away from all my friends and my boyfriend. I will have to make new friends. I will live on my own. It is crazy! It is so crazy. I'm  so excited yet I'm so scared. I will miss Trevor so much. I hope to continue writing and blogging the whole time. My blogs aren't really that exciting, I know. And I'm sure no one reads them. But it's my way to unwind. :)

Hey all! It's been a while. So much is happening this week. I'm so stressed out. These last five or so days have been so fun and busy, though. Friday night I stayed the night with Sarah O, and we stayed up til about 2:45 a.m. It was fun. Then saturday, I went home and did some chores, went to Trevor's house, then went back to Sarah's house with the other Sarah for a sleepover. Then Sunday, I stayed up in Aspen with Moriah and Emily, since they are moving to L.A. soon. Monday I hung out with Trevor at the pool. Then I stayed up at Nicole's with Kellie and Christa, since we left in the morning to go to Water World. Spent the day there, went shopping and out to dinner in Boulder, stayed the night in a hotel, and drove home this morning. It's been crazy. Unfortunately, I got CRAZY sunburned yesterday. My shoulders, some of my arms, and ALL of my legs. They sting so bad! :( It's been fun. But just because I had a good five days doesn't mean life is easy. I have family visiting tomorrow, we've been trying to clean the house. My dad has been remodeling the bathroom the last week or so, bless his heart, and he is just finishing tonight, so there is SO much clean up to be done. I'm so excited to see family, but then again, so stressed from preparing for it. Then, my mom and I can't get along to save our lives. We bicker, and argue ALL the time. We are like polar opposites. I don't know how much longer I can handle being treated like I'm 15 when I'm 18. I am a legal adult. I'm responsible enough to remember to set my alarm clock. -__- 

    Today was one of those days, where I got super stressed and over-whelmed about a lot of different things in my life, and then I kind of just broke down. I cried, and I walked out of class for a while. Sometimes I think if just because that happens to me sometimes, I have made no growth in the last year or so. Like...all of my work suddenly goes back to ground zero as soon as I act like that. It's not bad to cry. Frankly, today, I tried not to cry. It just happened. There's lots to cry about. But what I want to do, is realize the things there is to smile about, even in those moments where I feel stressed and over-whelmed. I look at all my problems in life right now: Jesse ignoring the crap out of me, inability to lose weight, percussion solo, Odyssey Essay in AP English, finding a job, graduating, throwing a surprise anniversary party, learning trumpet music, choir solo, etc, and I get all worked up and I freak out. When I could say, Hey, look at what I'm nailing: All A's and a B at quarter, percussion season is about to end, future babysitting gigs, prom, a great boyfriend, etc. Why can't I just relax and focus on THOSE things? I also dwell on the past a lot. That's no good. It's bad, even. 
     Lately, I've been really in the mood to write. I have the mood, I even know what I would write about, what kind of genre I want to write (almost ALWAYS poetry), and everything. Then I sit down to write....and something mediocre comes out. I hate that. HATE IT. I am going to go try to write a poem now. Wish me luck.

Remember, you're beautiful because you're you!

Hello world of invisible followers! :) Salutations! Recently I have a changed a big thing in my life: my diet. I am technically 35 lbs overweight. I decided I wanted to lose weight one-to become healthier, and two-to feel more fit and good about myself. I am trying to make my primary motivation be health. Sometimes it's hard not to have vanity be a reason, but I really don't want it to be. I decided to cut high-fructose corn syrup out of my diet. It's been two days of this now, and I feel fantastic. But it is VERY hard. Everything has high-fructose corn syrup in it! EVERYTHING! GAH! I've been eating clif bars, greek yogurt, fruit leathers, organic oatmeal, organic cereal, flax-peanut butter chip granola bars, and fruits & veggies. I've been only drinking water, skim milk, and sobe life water & propel ZERO's. But anyway, hopefully I will get to the exercise part soon; I've been awfully busy! I have gym/pool pass, so I will hopefully use that soon. Also my Just Dance wii games, and wii fit that Trevor lent me, and the yoga for weight loss DVD his mom lent me. I am set! I need to do core conditioning and toning, so that when I lose the weight it looks good. Wish me luck! Well, 6:45 comes bright and early, so I should go.