Everyday is a struggle. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever overcome this. This disease they've labeled me with. This disorder that runs and sometimes ruins my life. Everyday I try to prove myself. Try to prove I'm better, stronger. Somedays I succeed valiantly. Others, it's almost like I've torn down all the progress from the past. Those days are hard. Not just hard, but humiliating. Having him see me falter and fall is embarrassing. I know that no matter my flaws, this man will love me for all of me, and I love that about him. But some days I think he treats is like a joke. Sometimes, I just don't know.
Sometimes, most times, I ask for too much. Sometimes I think a broken girl needs more than the rest. I require more than the average female, especially in a relationship. I can't necessarily tell if it is because of my disorder, or if it's just some selfish habit. Certain days, when my needs aren't met, I get drastic. I get mad. I get sad. I get frustrated. When I get like this, I swing, a term I've used to describe my mood swings that I get from being bipolar. Sometimes I just want to run away, other times I want to hurt myself. My mind always becomes self destructive in some form, though. Like now. My whole life I've had multiple resources to help me cope with my fluctuating emotions. I've always had my family, a dog, a town with creative outlets, plenty of friends, and more to help me get through a bad swing, or even a bad depressive period. I was never really fully alone, unless I chose to be. But here, my life is different. My life is beautiful, sure, but I almost have none of these resources. I live in a town with 6,000 people, and I swear half of those are up in the rich, gates communities. I have no friends closer than an hour (which may not seem like a big deal, unless you don't have any money, or a car.) I have no job, nothing to occupy my time. My boyfriend works the night shifts. 10 hour shifts 3 days in a row. This last weekend he worked a 15 hour one, and I was just frustrated with not seeing him. He promised me all weekend that after the shift, today, Monday, would be all me and him. It was a comforting thought for someone who was getting lonely and tired of being alone. Being alone is bad for someone like me. My swings tend to be more violent if I am alone. But I've been busting my ass to get through them healthily, which means no self destructive behavior. I've been doing well, too. Well I find out at 2 am that he made plans to go shooting with a co-worker at two oclock. It's now 6:49 and he's still out shooting. Or at least I think he is, I wouldn't know, I'm not home. That's what I resorted to today, during my swing. I left the apartment. Sometimes I can't tell if I NEED to, or if I want him to show me that he cares. He'll probably get mad when he opens the door and I'm no where to be found. But I texted him and warned him, and he said nothing. That's when I think he thinks my disorder is a joke. Sure, when I swing and I get suicidal I can get a little too pathetic and nervous to do something SUPER lethal to myself, but I'm not a wimp, and this isn't a joke to me. So how am I technically practicing self destructive behaviors tonight? I took the bus up to Beaver Creek Resorts, and I am sitting outside in the freezing cold (which by the way is making it almost impossible to type sad face) and am blogging. He said he'd be home at seven, even though I asked him to be home by six, and honestly? I don't think he will even be home at seven. This boy does NOT care about what I say sometimes. Or at least that's what I think when I'm swinging. You know what I need to do? It's almost like I have an alter-ego when I swing. Perhaps, I should create a name for this alter-ego. Hmmm. Dexx? I only say that because I just watched Something Borrowed and the main male character, Dexter, was called Dex for short. And adding an extra x makes it sound very feminine, ha.
He should technically be home at any time now. I wonder what he will think. Is it selfish of me? To "run away" and have part of my reasoning be because I want to see what his reaction will be? Maybe I am angry. I am angry that he went shooting for 4 hours when I have NOTHING to do, and he promised me today would be all me and him. Maybe I feel like he's sick of me but too sweet to say so, and I just want him to worry over me and show me he loves me. Why do I think this way? :/ Sometimes, I don't even understand my thought process.
Is this self destructive enough? Spending 30-45 minutes outside in the freezing cold? I am freezing. And I have my hands out to type, so I'm ultra cold. This blog post is meant for me to vent, and it's helping me do just that, however, it would be a lot less painful in the comfort of my couch and blankets. :/
7 pm sharp. Wondering why he hasn't even texted me "on my way" yet, he's 30 minutes away. Or perhaps his phone has died. Hmmm. That would really suck? 7:01. And definitely not home. This kid can't be punctual. EVER. It's impossible. My plan was to type this until he called or texted or something...but...he hasn't yet. And I'm starting to get super ass cold, and wanting to sleep. I'm also running out of words :(
Well my dears. Bottom line. Being bipolar sucks, and frankly I'm starting to run out of energy to cope with it. Today really didn't help. Am I selfish for this?? :(
Until next time
Always,
Angie.
Sometimes, most times, I ask for too much. Sometimes I think a broken girl needs more than the rest. I require more than the average female, especially in a relationship. I can't necessarily tell if it is because of my disorder, or if it's just some selfish habit. Certain days, when my needs aren't met, I get drastic. I get mad. I get sad. I get frustrated. When I get like this, I swing, a term I've used to describe my mood swings that I get from being bipolar. Sometimes I just want to run away, other times I want to hurt myself. My mind always becomes self destructive in some form, though. Like now. My whole life I've had multiple resources to help me cope with my fluctuating emotions. I've always had my family, a dog, a town with creative outlets, plenty of friends, and more to help me get through a bad swing, or even a bad depressive period. I was never really fully alone, unless I chose to be. But here, my life is different. My life is beautiful, sure, but I almost have none of these resources. I live in a town with 6,000 people, and I swear half of those are up in the rich, gates communities. I have no friends closer than an hour (which may not seem like a big deal, unless you don't have any money, or a car.) I have no job, nothing to occupy my time. My boyfriend works the night shifts. 10 hour shifts 3 days in a row. This last weekend he worked a 15 hour one, and I was just frustrated with not seeing him. He promised me all weekend that after the shift, today, Monday, would be all me and him. It was a comforting thought for someone who was getting lonely and tired of being alone. Being alone is bad for someone like me. My swings tend to be more violent if I am alone. But I've been busting my ass to get through them healthily, which means no self destructive behavior. I've been doing well, too. Well I find out at 2 am that he made plans to go shooting with a co-worker at two oclock. It's now 6:49 and he's still out shooting. Or at least I think he is, I wouldn't know, I'm not home. That's what I resorted to today, during my swing. I left the apartment. Sometimes I can't tell if I NEED to, or if I want him to show me that he cares. He'll probably get mad when he opens the door and I'm no where to be found. But I texted him and warned him, and he said nothing. That's when I think he thinks my disorder is a joke. Sure, when I swing and I get suicidal I can get a little too pathetic and nervous to do something SUPER lethal to myself, but I'm not a wimp, and this isn't a joke to me. So how am I technically practicing self destructive behaviors tonight? I took the bus up to Beaver Creek Resorts, and I am sitting outside in the freezing cold (which by the way is making it almost impossible to type sad face) and am blogging. He said he'd be home at seven, even though I asked him to be home by six, and honestly? I don't think he will even be home at seven. This boy does NOT care about what I say sometimes. Or at least that's what I think when I'm swinging. You know what I need to do? It's almost like I have an alter-ego when I swing. Perhaps, I should create a name for this alter-ego. Hmmm. Dexx? I only say that because I just watched Something Borrowed and the main male character, Dexter, was called Dex for short. And adding an extra x makes it sound very feminine, ha.
He should technically be home at any time now. I wonder what he will think. Is it selfish of me? To "run away" and have part of my reasoning be because I want to see what his reaction will be? Maybe I am angry. I am angry that he went shooting for 4 hours when I have NOTHING to do, and he promised me today would be all me and him. Maybe I feel like he's sick of me but too sweet to say so, and I just want him to worry over me and show me he loves me. Why do I think this way? :/ Sometimes, I don't even understand my thought process.
Is this self destructive enough? Spending 30-45 minutes outside in the freezing cold? I am freezing. And I have my hands out to type, so I'm ultra cold. This blog post is meant for me to vent, and it's helping me do just that, however, it would be a lot less painful in the comfort of my couch and blankets. :/
7 pm sharp. Wondering why he hasn't even texted me "on my way" yet, he's 30 minutes away. Or perhaps his phone has died. Hmmm. That would really suck? 7:01. And definitely not home. This kid can't be punctual. EVER. It's impossible. My plan was to type this until he called or texted or something...but...he hasn't yet. And I'm starting to get super ass cold, and wanting to sleep. I'm also running out of words :(
Well my dears. Bottom line. Being bipolar sucks, and frankly I'm starting to run out of energy to cope with it. Today really didn't help. Am I selfish for this?? :(
Until next time
Always,
Angie.
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