Today was one of those days, where I got super stressed and over-whelmed about a lot of different things in my life, and then I kind of just broke down. I cried, and I walked out of class for a while. Sometimes I think if just because that happens to me sometimes, I have made no growth in the last year or so. Like...all of my work suddenly goes back to ground zero as soon as I act like that. It's not bad to cry. Frankly, today, I tried not to cry. It just happened. There's lots to cry about. But what I want to do, is realize the things there is to smile about, even in those moments where I feel stressed and over-whelmed. I look at all my problems in life right now: Jesse ignoring the crap out of me, inability to lose weight, percussion solo, Odyssey Essay in AP English, finding a job, graduating, throwing a surprise anniversary party, learning trumpet music, choir solo, etc, and I get all worked up and I freak out. When I could say, Hey, look at what I'm nailing: All A's and a B at quarter, percussion season is about to end, future babysitting gigs, prom, a great boyfriend, etc. Why can't I just relax and focus on THOSE things? I also dwell on the past a lot. That's no good. It's bad, even.
Lately, I've been really in the mood to write. I have the mood, I even know what I would write about, what kind of genre I want to write (almost ALWAYS poetry), and everything. Then I sit down to write....and something mediocre comes out. I hate that. HATE IT. I am going to go try to write a poem now. Wish me luck.
Remember, you're beautiful because you're you!
Hello world of invisible followers! :) Salutations! Recently I have a changed a big thing in my life: my diet. I am technically 35 lbs overweight. I decided I wanted to lose weight one-to become healthier, and two-to feel more fit and good about myself. I am trying to make my primary motivation be health. Sometimes it's hard not to have vanity be a reason, but I really don't want it to be. I decided to cut high-fructose corn syrup out of my diet. It's been two days of this now, and I feel fantastic. But it is VERY hard. Everything has high-fructose corn syrup in it! EVERYTHING! GAH! I've been eating clif bars, greek yogurt, fruit leathers, organic oatmeal, organic cereal, flax-peanut butter chip granola bars, and fruits & veggies. I've been only drinking water, skim milk, and sobe life water & propel ZERO's. But anyway, hopefully I will get to the exercise part soon; I've been awfully busy! I have gym/pool pass, so I will hopefully use that soon. Also my Just Dance wii games, and wii fit that Trevor lent me, and the yoga for weight loss DVD his mom lent me. I am set! I need to do core conditioning and toning, so that when I lose the weight it looks good. Wish me luck! Well, 6:45 comes bright and early, so I should go.
Band really has been bothering me. In a perfect world, it would be my favorite class. But it can't be, because of the people involved. My ex-boyfriend, Jesse, and his best friend, Gavin, are in my trumpet section in band. They NEVER shut up. EVER. They talk during all of the rests and even when we are supposed to be playing. It drives me up the wall. And my teacher doesn't call them out or anything. I tried to confront her about it today. Boy did that go down well...not. I hate that I can't say to a teacher, "Hey, these kids our poisoning my learning environment and ability to grow" without getting yelled at, lectured, and pissing them off. I should be able to fight for that environment for myself. Especially because this class is music, and music is VERY important to me. I try to ignore it. But it just plain isn't that easy! Oh well. There's nothing I can do.
I am so happy with Trevor. I am over Jesse. And I am happy with my life. I like that I am this way. However, I still care about Jesse in the minute way of how I care about everyone, maybe a little more, just because I was so close to him at one point. And I hate that we can't at least just be friends. Or acquaintances. I wish he wouldn't go out of his way to not look at me, and to not laugh at my jokes or my moments of comedic genius. (ahaha xD) I wish he would respect me, like I attempt to respect him, as immature and terrible as he's been acting. I don't remember him that way. I knew him as the well put together, handsome, fun-loving, lover-boy that I had him as for a month. But he's really not like that at all. Maybe he was just different with me. But he missed his old life too much. The one where he stays up all night and all weekend on x-box live. The one where he doesn't practice trumpet and talks all of class. The one who breaks hearts and doesn't give a shit about other people. Why couldn't I have seen that, then? I could have seen and stayed with Trevor and be as happy as I am now, without ever getting hurt. Sigh. It's all in the past, but it all seems so frustrating.
Anyway, I got a magazine that featured The Hunger Games, and had 3 Posters in side!!! One of Peeta <3 <3 <3 one of Gale, and one of Katniss. The Katniss one is the like the official movie poster. I tore down some of my glee wall to make room. I also cut out pictures of like Cato (yummy) and more Peeta and also Thresh and Marvel. And more Peeta. HEhehehe.
I bought Trevor 2 presents today off of Amazon. :D He will be so excited! He's going to love them. I am sort of wishing that I didn'tshow him that I was getting him the Debussy for day dreaming one, but Oh well.
Well it's beginning to get late, and I'd like to read a bit before I drift off, so goodnight lovelies! :) mwah.
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